Let's back track to the very beginning of 2014; We found out I was pregnant in October and we were so ecstatic and everything was going smoothly, until February. Chris(Kitt) lost his job so we packed up all of our stuff and drove cross country back to Virginia to be with my parents. Chris got a job in Maine so he moved up to Maine with Jaiden while I stayed in VA to have my baby. June 20, 2014 I gave birth via c-section to Wyatt Joseph Carson and a week later I moved to Maine to be with Kitt and Jaiden. Fast forward two months later and here we are now. A lot of other things happened inbetween what I just listed but those aren't important right now, maybe I'll write a blog post going into more detail later.
So here we are in August of 2014.. How am I feeling? Well I'm not entirely sure, if I'm honest. I put on this act and it seems like nothing is wrong but if you look under the surface I'm barely holding on. It's not even that my life is totally awful, because it's not, it's just a bunch of little things that keep adding up into one big thing. For starters, money is tight. Everyone has been at this place at some point in their life, and if you haven't yet then prepare yourself because it's going to happen and it's going to really suck. We are living in a tiny house with Kitts parents. Now don't get me wrong I love his parents and they help out so much with the boys and I'm very grateful for that, but if you've ever lived on your own and then went back to living with someone you know how hard it is. There's nothing better than having a place that is your own to call home. Jaiden is 3 1/2 now and is in the stage where he wants to get his way and he wants to push your buttons and not listen at all, which is just lovely really... Please note the sarcasm there. Wyatt is having health issues, nothing too major thank goodness, but enough for it to be really stressful. And finally one of the biggest things, my emotional state. Before I begin, please don't mistake this for me being depressed because that's far from what it is. I'm very happy, I'm just very hormonal and my emotions are all over the place. One day I'm really good and really happy and the next day I have to force myself to keep a smile on my face and the tears in my eyes. A big part of this, I think, is my appearance. I know I've written a blog post on this before and I don't mean to be repetitive, but I have a major problem with my body image. Just the other day I sat in front of a mirror in the bedroom and cried my eyes out. I absolutely cannot stand the way I look, and it's not just my body it's my face as well. There is nothing about myself that I find appealing anymore and it's honestly really heartbreaking. Kitt came in while I was sitting there crying and asked what was wrong, and I responded with "I'm so ugly.. I just want to feel pretty again". It's not even that I want to look in the mirror and feel like a beauty queen, all I really want is to be okay with myself and be comfortable with who I am and what I look like. I don't know how many times I have thought about ripping the mirror off of the wall because when I look at myself I just feel so hideous and it breaks my heart. I'm so jealous of the girls who have a nice body and the girls that don't have to put makeup on to look beautiful. The truth is, no matter how much I bust my ass and how much weight I lose, I will never have my body back. I should feel proud of myself and my body, I carried two amazing little boys in there and that's an amazing thing, but when I look at myself I feel nothing but disgust. Does that make me an awful person? That the reason I don't like my body is because of my children... You know saying that out loud, or I guess typing it and reading it over to myself, makes me feel so selfish and shitty.. I am a mom and being a mom not only comes with sleepless nights, a messy house, and temper tantrums but it also comes with a ruined body and I guess that is something that I just need to learn to accept. I love my babies more than anything in this world and I wouldn't trade them for anything, even a perfect body, but I just wish I could love myself as well. I have been trying so hard to build my self esteem but it's honestly one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do.. But as long as I have my husband and children by my side, I can handle looking and feeling ugly because in the end they are all that really matter to me.
If your reading this, please don't feel sorry for me. I will be okay. No, you know what.. I am okay. Something so little shouldn't affect me like this and have so much 'say' in my happiness. It's so ridiculous that I let something as stupid my body control my happiness, I just feel so defeated I suppose. I don't understand how my husband still finds me sexy when I can't even look at myself without crying. Unconditional love, I guess?
Now that I've rambled, made probably no sense whatsoever, and had a little pity party for myself, I'm going to grow some balls and stop feeling so sorry for myself.. At least for tonight.
Let me know in the comments below what you'd like to see next.. Another 'diary' type post, my delivery story with Wyatt, what it's like being a mom of two, or maybe you could suggest something? I don't know.. Hopefully I can get back into the swing of blogging again and do it more often because I truly enjoy it.
Until next time, enjoy this adorable picture of Jaiden and Wyatt holding hands while they napped;
