Losing friends.

So recently, well today actually, I lost a friend. He didn't like die, we just aren't friends anymore. It's really tough so I thought I would kind of let my feelings out in a blog post and hopefully help any of you that are going through something similar. I suppose I should start from the beginning..
My friend and I met online through Myspace in 7th grade. We had a lot of mutual friends and he lived a few towns away so it's not like he was a complete stranger from Zimbabwe or something hah. When we first started talking we really like clicked and became best friends straight away. He was there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to and would help me out with my problems and I would do the same. We'd spend 3, 4, 5 hours talking on the phone nearly every night, and those who know me know I HATE talking on the phone. Randomly we started flirting and we started to have a relationship based on that kind of. It's not like we were friends with benefits or anything because we only flirted with each other we didn't do anything more and whenever either of us got into a relationship we obviously stopped and just went back to having a 'normal' relationship. There was this one time when Kitt and I first started dating and we had continued to flirt, bad I know, and a bit after Kitt found out and our relationship nearly ended but I decided to stop being friends with him so that Kitt and I could be together. We started working on our relationship and building the trust back up and had Jaiden in that time and our lives were great. After two years of not talking to him he randomly sent me a friend request on Facebook and we started talking again. It was like we never lost touch and picked right back up with where we left off, without the flirting though obviously. Kitt was a little nervous about us being friends again but I promised that part of our relationship was over and we were just friends, so we continued to talk. But every time he got a girlfriend he would just stop talking to me and would delete me off of all social media websites. Every time I was really hurt but got over it and when his relationships ended or got rocky he would come back and I'd always let him back into my life and our relationship would pick right back up. This went on for many many years, we'd go months without talking and then one day I'd get a friend request and we'd be 'besties' again. Even when we were on our breaks, I guess you could call them that, I would always refer to him as my best friend because honestly to me regardless of what we went through he was MY best friend, whether I was his or not. We had went through so much together, he helped me out through so much growing up and he knew more about me than anyone else. There were a few years where he was in a bad place and was really depressed and just unhappy with life and I actually talked him our of suicide a few times. Basically we went through everything together and were beside each other every step of the way. Growing up my mom always told me to find that one best friend and to never let them go, and up until today I thought he was that person and it's really hard to let go of that. When people ask me who my first love was to be honest I always think of him. Although we never dated and never had a serious relationship, we had that connection and even just being best friends over the years I fell in love with him and I think that makes it even harder to let go of the relationship. I'm  not still in love with him but he was a huge part of my life and for the longest time was the only person that I could really count on. Before we went on our last break we thought about giving the dating thing a try but our paths just didn't cross, I ended up moving back to Virginia and Kitt moved down with me and we ended up getting back together and my friend and I had promised that we weren't going to let that affect our friendship, because we were best friends before we were anything. A few months went by and mine and Kitt's relationship got more serious again and we were talking about marriage and whatnot and Kitt wanted me not to stop being friends with him, but to not be as close to him. I had a really hard time with that and was honestly going to end mine and Kitt's relationship if I had to stop being friends with him, because his friendship meant that much to me. Around January of this year his girlfriend decided she didn't like us being friends and made him stop being friends with  me. He didn't put up a fight or anything, just one day I got onto Facebook and I had not only been deleted but blocked as well. That was awful for me, I spent weeks and even months crying about it because I had fought so hard for our friendship but he just threw it away without blinking an eye. I know that might seem a bit ridiculous, that I cried that much over losing a friend, but anyone who has had a best friend for many many years knows how hard it is to let them go. Just a few weeks ago he started talking to me again and I was so happy but I wasn't going to let my guard down just in case the same thing happened, and yet again today I wake up and I'm deleted off of everything. I'm not so much hurt as I am disappointed. We had a few talks over the past few weeks about our friendship and he had told me numerous times that he was done letting me go and done throwing away our friendship because he needs me in his life as a friend. I've thought of those talks many times today and the only thing that comes to my head is 'bullshit'. It's easy to say those things to people but it's hard to prove them, you can talk the talk but none of it matters if you can't walk the walk and he's proven to me time and time again that he just can't walk it. It's sad, it really is, but sometimes you just have to let go. Today was a big eye opener for me. I've realized that I can't keep letting people waltz in and out of my life as they please. I have always been the type of person that puts other peoples happiness before my own and I will welcome anyone into my life and be there for them. You would think that being bullied nearly my entire life would make me bitter and bitchy, but it's the exact opposite. I guess from knowing what it's like to have no one and to be so unhappy, I don't want others feeling that way. You could be my enemy for years but if you come to me saying you need someone or want to be friends, I will be there with arms wide open. I will give my all and put 200% into a relationship or friendship even if you are only putting in 10%, it's just who I am. I'm too nice and too caring, I will move mountains if it means guaranteeing someones happiness.
There comes a time when enough is enough, one person can only take so much hurt and I've reached that limit. It's time that I put myself and MY happiness first. It's going to suck, a lot actually, but I've lost many friends over the years and I got over it with time so I know that I can do the same now. I'm done fighting for people when they are not going to fight back. I'm done being taken advantage of, I'm done having my life be a revolving door for people, I'm done making other people happy when they wouldn't do the same for me, and I'm absolutely and completely done with part time friends. Bottom line is, I don't need anyone in my life who doesn't need me in theirs. I have too much good in my life and in my heart to let one person ruin that for me, I deserve the best and I deserve someone who not only cares about me but for our friendship as well. After I got pregnant with Jaiden I removed all 'toxic' people from my life because I just don't need the drama, and as much as it kills me to say this, he was toxic to me and its time I remove him from my life as well. I've held on for so long but today I am ending the chapter and closing the book and never looking back. I'm not going to spend my nights crying this time, because at the end of the day it's his loss not mine. He will always be a huge part of my life and I will always have a special place in my heart for him, but I'm onto bigger and better things. I've got family and friends that really truly love me and are happy for me and my life and that's all that I need.
So to any of you that have lost a friend or have toxic friends in your life, it is okay to let them go. You don't need anyone in your life that don't need you in theirs. I know it's hard and it will really suck, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. If there's one thing that I have learned over the years from losing friends it's that during that time you get to really see who you are and what you want in life and who is there for the long haul. When you're surrounded by friends sometimes you lose sight of yourself and your judgements can get clouded by their input and opinions. Sometimes it's good to sit back and kind of purposely lose touch with people in your life and see who makes the effort to talk to you and hang out with you, ones that don't really notice obviously are people you don't want in your life. Especially if you are in high school now is the time to focus on yourself, what you want, and where you want to go in life and if you have been with the same friends or clique for a while it might be good to have some distance and figure out who is really there for you and who will support you through your life adventures. After high school people go their own way and meet new people and develop new friends and it's scary for a lot of people because if you have been in a group of friends growing up you kind of all become one and forget who you really are, so just stay true to you and stay strong. Losing friends suck but it's apart of life and it's a good growing experience, you can really learn a lot about other people and yourself in the process. Maybe there is someone out there that is your 'soul mate best friend' but you haven't found them yet because you have been with the same group of friends and are afraid to branch out. Don't be afraid to go outside of your comfort zone and meet new people, you never know what can happen and who you can meet. This year has been a huge year for me in terms of stepping out of my comfort zone and doing things I never would have before, including meeting new people and I've actually met some pretty awesome friends. If you're losing friends, just know you're not alone and it's not the end of the world, maybe it's just meant to be and someone around the corner is waiting for you and you'll become best friends.  The same goes for relationships, you'll make it through it and someone better who truly cares for you will come into your life and everything will make sense.
I know this post is a bit different but I kind of just needed to vent and release my feelings towards the situation. I treated it kind of like a diary entry I suppose, just a very public diary haha.  I kept his name private just because I'm not sure that he would want his name out there for everyone to see, so sorry if there are bits that don't make sense or aren't written the best. Regardless I hope you enjoyed this and hopefully I may have helped one of you out. I know we all struggle with this at points in our lives and it really sucks but what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Please leave me your feedback in the comments and let me know how you deal with losing someone in your life, I'm interested to know. I personally just focus on the positive things that are happening in my life and look to the future and think about all the really great things that can happen and just know that I have family and a few friends in my life that I know love and care about me 1000%. At the end of the day it's just a small matter compared to all the great things and great people I have in my life. Life is too short to spend it unhappy or chasing people who aren't worth it. Anyways I think I've rambled enough haha, I hope you all have a great day or night! Remember, you are in control of your happiness and if you aren't happy, make a change in your life because you deserve to be happy!
Quote of the day; You may not be able to control every situation and it's outcome, but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it.