Losing friends.

So recently, well today actually, I lost a friend. He didn't like die, we just aren't friends anymore. It's really tough so I thought I would kind of let my feelings out in a blog post and hopefully help any of you that are going through something similar. I suppose I should start from the beginning..
My friend and I met online through Myspace in 7th grade. We had a lot of mutual friends and he lived a few towns away so it's not like he was a complete stranger from Zimbabwe or something hah. When we first started talking we really like clicked and became best friends straight away. He was there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to and would help me out with my problems and I would do the same. We'd spend 3, 4, 5 hours talking on the phone nearly every night, and those who know me know I HATE talking on the phone. Randomly we started flirting and we started to have a relationship based on that kind of. It's not like we were friends with benefits or anything because we only flirted with each other we didn't do anything more and whenever either of us got into a relationship we obviously stopped and just went back to having a 'normal' relationship. There was this one time when Kitt and I first started dating and we had continued to flirt, bad I know, and a bit after Kitt found out and our relationship nearly ended but I decided to stop being friends with him so that Kitt and I could be together. We started working on our relationship and building the trust back up and had Jaiden in that time and our lives were great. After two years of not talking to him he randomly sent me a friend request on Facebook and we started talking again. It was like we never lost touch and picked right back up with where we left off, without the flirting though obviously. Kitt was a little nervous about us being friends again but I promised that part of our relationship was over and we were just friends, so we continued to talk. But every time he got a girlfriend he would just stop talking to me and would delete me off of all social media websites. Every time I was really hurt but got over it and when his relationships ended or got rocky he would come back and I'd always let him back into my life and our relationship would pick right back up. This went on for many many years, we'd go months without talking and then one day I'd get a friend request and we'd be 'besties' again. Even when we were on our breaks, I guess you could call them that, I would always refer to him as my best friend because honestly to me regardless of what we went through he was MY best friend, whether I was his or not. We had went through so much together, he helped me out through so much growing up and he knew more about me than anyone else. There were a few years where he was in a bad place and was really depressed and just unhappy with life and I actually talked him our of suicide a few times. Basically we went through everything together and were beside each other every step of the way. Growing up my mom always told me to find that one best friend and to never let them go, and up until today I thought he was that person and it's really hard to let go of that. When people ask me who my first love was to be honest I always think of him. Although we never dated and never had a serious relationship, we had that connection and even just being best friends over the years I fell in love with him and I think that makes it even harder to let go of the relationship. I'm  not still in love with him but he was a huge part of my life and for the longest time was the only person that I could really count on. Before we went on our last break we thought about giving the dating thing a try but our paths just didn't cross, I ended up moving back to Virginia and Kitt moved down with me and we ended up getting back together and my friend and I had promised that we weren't going to let that affect our friendship, because we were best friends before we were anything. A few months went by and mine and Kitt's relationship got more serious again and we were talking about marriage and whatnot and Kitt wanted me not to stop being friends with him, but to not be as close to him. I had a really hard time with that and was honestly going to end mine and Kitt's relationship if I had to stop being friends with him, because his friendship meant that much to me. Around January of this year his girlfriend decided she didn't like us being friends and made him stop being friends with  me. He didn't put up a fight or anything, just one day I got onto Facebook and I had not only been deleted but blocked as well. That was awful for me, I spent weeks and even months crying about it because I had fought so hard for our friendship but he just threw it away without blinking an eye. I know that might seem a bit ridiculous, that I cried that much over losing a friend, but anyone who has had a best friend for many many years knows how hard it is to let them go. Just a few weeks ago he started talking to me again and I was so happy but I wasn't going to let my guard down just in case the same thing happened, and yet again today I wake up and I'm deleted off of everything. I'm not so much hurt as I am disappointed. We had a few talks over the past few weeks about our friendship and he had told me numerous times that he was done letting me go and done throwing away our friendship because he needs me in his life as a friend. I've thought of those talks many times today and the only thing that comes to my head is 'bullshit'. It's easy to say those things to people but it's hard to prove them, you can talk the talk but none of it matters if you can't walk the walk and he's proven to me time and time again that he just can't walk it. It's sad, it really is, but sometimes you just have to let go. Today was a big eye opener for me. I've realized that I can't keep letting people waltz in and out of my life as they please. I have always been the type of person that puts other peoples happiness before my own and I will welcome anyone into my life and be there for them. You would think that being bullied nearly my entire life would make me bitter and bitchy, but it's the exact opposite. I guess from knowing what it's like to have no one and to be so unhappy, I don't want others feeling that way. You could be my enemy for years but if you come to me saying you need someone or want to be friends, I will be there with arms wide open. I will give my all and put 200% into a relationship or friendship even if you are only putting in 10%, it's just who I am. I'm too nice and too caring, I will move mountains if it means guaranteeing someones happiness.
There comes a time when enough is enough, one person can only take so much hurt and I've reached that limit. It's time that I put myself and MY happiness first. It's going to suck, a lot actually, but I've lost many friends over the years and I got over it with time so I know that I can do the same now. I'm done fighting for people when they are not going to fight back. I'm done being taken advantage of, I'm done having my life be a revolving door for people, I'm done making other people happy when they wouldn't do the same for me, and I'm absolutely and completely done with part time friends. Bottom line is, I don't need anyone in my life who doesn't need me in theirs. I have too much good in my life and in my heart to let one person ruin that for me, I deserve the best and I deserve someone who not only cares about me but for our friendship as well. After I got pregnant with Jaiden I removed all 'toxic' people from my life because I just don't need the drama, and as much as it kills me to say this, he was toxic to me and its time I remove him from my life as well. I've held on for so long but today I am ending the chapter and closing the book and never looking back. I'm not going to spend my nights crying this time, because at the end of the day it's his loss not mine. He will always be a huge part of my life and I will always have a special place in my heart for him, but I'm onto bigger and better things. I've got family and friends that really truly love me and are happy for me and my life and that's all that I need.
So to any of you that have lost a friend or have toxic friends in your life, it is okay to let them go. You don't need anyone in your life that don't need you in theirs. I know it's hard and it will really suck, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. If there's one thing that I have learned over the years from losing friends it's that during that time you get to really see who you are and what you want in life and who is there for the long haul. When you're surrounded by friends sometimes you lose sight of yourself and your judgements can get clouded by their input and opinions. Sometimes it's good to sit back and kind of purposely lose touch with people in your life and see who makes the effort to talk to you and hang out with you, ones that don't really notice obviously are people you don't want in your life. Especially if you are in high school now is the time to focus on yourself, what you want, and where you want to go in life and if you have been with the same friends or clique for a while it might be good to have some distance and figure out who is really there for you and who will support you through your life adventures. After high school people go their own way and meet new people and develop new friends and it's scary for a lot of people because if you have been in a group of friends growing up you kind of all become one and forget who you really are, so just stay true to you and stay strong. Losing friends suck but it's apart of life and it's a good growing experience, you can really learn a lot about other people and yourself in the process. Maybe there is someone out there that is your 'soul mate best friend' but you haven't found them yet because you have been with the same group of friends and are afraid to branch out. Don't be afraid to go outside of your comfort zone and meet new people, you never know what can happen and who you can meet. This year has been a huge year for me in terms of stepping out of my comfort zone and doing things I never would have before, including meeting new people and I've actually met some pretty awesome friends. If you're losing friends, just know you're not alone and it's not the end of the world, maybe it's just meant to be and someone around the corner is waiting for you and you'll become best friends.  The same goes for relationships, you'll make it through it and someone better who truly cares for you will come into your life and everything will make sense.
I know this post is a bit different but I kind of just needed to vent and release my feelings towards the situation. I treated it kind of like a diary entry I suppose, just a very public diary haha.  I kept his name private just because I'm not sure that he would want his name out there for everyone to see, so sorry if there are bits that don't make sense or aren't written the best. Regardless I hope you enjoyed this and hopefully I may have helped one of you out. I know we all struggle with this at points in our lives and it really sucks but what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Please leave me your feedback in the comments and let me know how you deal with losing someone in your life, I'm interested to know. I personally just focus on the positive things that are happening in my life and look to the future and think about all the really great things that can happen and just know that I have family and a few friends in my life that I know love and care about me 1000%. At the end of the day it's just a small matter compared to all the great things and great people I have in my life. Life is too short to spend it unhappy or chasing people who aren't worth it. Anyways I think I've rambled enough haha, I hope you all have a great day or night! Remember, you are in control of your happiness and if you aren't happy, make a change in your life because you deserve to be happy!
Quote of the day; You may not be able to control every situation and it's outcome, but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it.

Working on my body image; Epsiode 1!

Hey guys! So I got a lot of feed back on my "How I deal with my body image" post so I thought I would make it a series! It's not so much for you guys rather than it is for me. I want to really try and motivate myself to start eating healthier and exercising and I thought that I would bring you guys along the journey with me!

The picture on the left is a picture that I took last year around this time.. The picture on the right is a picture I took today... 
In the last post that I put up about my body image a lot of you said you don't understand why I am so uncomfortable with my body and that I wasn't even chubby. This picture shows how my body has transformed in just the last year alone and if you can believe it I was even SKINNIER than the left picture before I go pregnant. It's a major change for me. My thighs are significantly larger, as well as my butt and stomach. It's honestly really hard to look at these pictures side by side, I knew I have gained weight but I honestly didn't realize how much larger I have actually gotten. The past week or so I have actually been feeling pretty good about how I look but after comparing these pictures I'm back to where I started.. excuse me while I go eat my feelings in ice cream. Hah just kidding! That wouldn't solve anything.

A bit of random information for you; 

Recently I've been baby sitting children in my home to earn some extra money and give me something to do. I've been saving the money and the other day I decided to use that money to go buy me some new clothes. I don't remember the last time I bought anything for myself. Whenever we have extra cash we always spend it on Jaiden so it was nice to get something for myself for a change :)

Step 1 to working on my body image; Revamp my closet

As I said in the paragraph before this, I went out and got myself new clothes! Since I've been gaining a lot of weight most of my pants no longer fit me. I'd try and get them on but I wouldn't be able to get them over my butt so I'd always just throw on some cute sweats or yoga pants. As you can imagine, wearing sweats all day every day really takes a toll on your self esteem after a while and it got to the point where I just stayed in my pjs all day because I was afraid to get dressed. I only had one pair of jeans that actually fit me, and even then I had to do a hop and a  jump and wiggle my butt to get into them, so I decided if I want to start being more confident I need to get some clothes that actually fit me. I got 2 pairs of pants and a few shirts and I've been wearing them the past few days and it has really helped me see myself better. Today Kitt and I took Jaiden to the park and I put on my new jeans and a cute shirt and for the first time in what seems like forever, I looked in the mirror and thought to myself  "I am so beautiful today" and for me to say that is HUGE! When I walked out of the bathroom and Kitt saw me in my new clothes his reaction was " damn you look good!", which boosted my self confidence even more.

Step 2 to working on my body image; Workout gear

Now I haven't done this but it is the next step that I am going to take! I don't own any sneakers or sports bras or anything so next pay day I am going to go out and get some. The apartment that I live in has a really nice gym so once I get some workout clothes and a pair of shoes I plan to start working out. I'm not really sure how often I should workout but I'm thinking every other day? I'm actually really excited to start working out again. A few months ago I was working out regularly but I didn't have sneakers so I was doing it barefoot but after a month of two I started having problems with my feet so I had to stop. Do you guys have any ideas on how often I should workout? If any of you workout now, how often do you workout and what workouts do you enjoy doing? I want to lose some weight and then tone the rest of my body, especially my thighs and butt. So that's what my next step is to work on my body image and get healthier!

Step 3 to working on my body image; Setting goals

When starting something new it's always good to set a goal to keep you motivated and when you accomplish that goal it's a really great feeling. So I've come up with 3 goals..

1. Eating Healthier: I don't eat the worst but I also don't eat the best. I don't really care for fruits or vegetables because I'm an extremely picky eater and the texture really bothers me so I want to try and find ways to eat fruits and veggies without having to deal with the texture. Juicing has become really popular so I might try and make some juices or smoothies so that I'm getting the vitamins and nutrients that I need. 
2. Keeping positive: A huge part of becoming comfortable in your own skin is staying positive. I am generally a really positive person but when it comes to myself I am a "debby downer" and really look down on myself. I have seen a few ideas online that I am going to do to help remind myself daily to stay positive and that I am beautiful. I am thinking about putting sticky notes on my bathroom mirror and places around the house so that I am constantly being reminded to be positive and the good things about myself. 
3. Not caring about the number: I have tried to lose weight many times before but I always got caught up on the number on the scale and not what my body actually looked like. I've come to learn that it's not all about the number rather than how my body looks and how I feel in my own skin. I don't want to focus on getting down to a certain weight, I want to focus on being comfortable in my own skin and enjoying what I look like. Whether it's 10 lbs or 40 lbs that I have to lose, it doesn't matter to me as long as I am comfortable in my own skin. I definitely don't want to be a size 0 I just want to look healthy and feel healthy. 

 I know this post is a lot different than my last ones but I really want to keep a 'journal' of my progress for becoming healthy and confident in myself. I don't know how many of you will like this series, but if you like the idea please let me know! I hope that I can inspire you to work on yourself and your health if you are like me and are not happy with the way you look.  I plan to do picture updates bi-weekly to show how my body is changing and the progress I'm making with eating healthier. Let me know in the comment section if you have any tips for eating healthy and working out and what has worked for you! I hope you enjoy this little series and let me know if there is anything else that you would like me to talk about in these posts. If you are not comfortable with yourself and want to change the way you look and feel, you should embark on this journey with me and we can help keep each other motivated! Sorry if this is not written the best and if I'm not my normal 'cheery' self, but it's 2 am and I am exhausted. I am going to go snuggle up with Jaiden and go to sleep now, but I hope you enjoyed this post. If you did please leave me your feedback in the comments and let me know any tips that you have for being healthy and working out!
Quote of the day; Pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever.

I am proud.

This is my son, Jaiden, just a few days after he was born. Cute, right? 

March 1,2011 was the day I set a goal to one day prove to others that I wasn't just another teen mom, I wasn't going to be just another statistic, I wasn't going to be a bad mom, and I surely wasn't going to let others or my son look down on me. Yes, I may have had some downs along the way where I wasn't the best mom and didn't put Jaiden first, but if I'm honest those days were numbered. If there is one thing in this world that I am 100% completely positive on, it is my ability to be an amazing mom. Many people are afraid to say the things they like about themselves whether it be their looks, their personality, or things they are good at because people see it as bragging or being conceited but I say to heck with what others think. If you think you are beautiful, tell the world! If you think you have a sexy body, tell the world! If you think you have an amazing personality, tell the world! I think that I am an exceptional mom and I'm not afraid to make sure everyone knows that!!

There have been many moments as my son grows up that have made me tear up and be SO proud of him and myself, but the other day has definitely been one of the greatest moments in my few years of parenting. 

<-- This is me, my husband, and my son going to a Halloween party in our costumes. I was Wonder Woman and Chris and Jaiden were Super Man.

And this is my husband and my son dressed in their costumes going grocery shopping. I was also in my Wonder Woman costume. -->











After our Halloween party Jaiden was so happy that he, mommy, and daddy were superheros. He kept calling us a superhero family and wanted to wear his costume all the time. A few days after the party we were getting ready to go grocery shopping and he would not stop asking if we could wear our costumes and be superheros, so we said yes. We geared up and walked out the door to go grocery shopping in our costumes. I wasn't sure what people were going to think or how they would react. I thought for sure we would be pointed at and laughed at, people would whisper and talk about us, and quiet frankly I didn't care what people did because I knew my little guy was so happy. The reaction we got was far from what I was expecting. As we were walking through the grocery store Jaiden had this huge grin on his face and said hi to everyone who walked past and made sure to tell them we were a superhero family. He was SO happy and even if you were blind, you'd be able to see it. The tone in his voice when he spoke to every stranger that passed us was something that every parent dreams of hearing and seeing. He is happy pretty much all of the time and is always giggling and playing when we are at home, but this time when we were out he was exceptionally happy. Instead of hearing "wow what weirdos" or "haha look at them" like I had expected, I heard children tell their parents "why aren't you that cool?", "look superheros!", and "I want to do that when I'm older". I had many adults walk up to me and ask me why we were dressed up and when I told them just because my son wanted us to, their reaction was priceless. I had complete strangers tell me that Jaiden was lucky to have us as parents because we weren't embarrassed to go out in public like that just for him, and many said I was a good mom. People who have NO idea who I am could see just how much I love him, and THAT makes me proud. I had people tell me that whether we knew it or not going out in public dressed like that and not caring what people thought was teaching him a valuable lesson and we should be proud parents. I am more than happy to say that Kitt and I are so very proud of not only Jaiden, but also of ourselves. Getting pregnant at 15 and having a baby at 16 was scary but I always knew I would be a good mom, but I really surprise myself sometimes at how good of a mom I really am. That may sound shallow and I may sound full of myself, but I take great pride in knowing that I am a good mom. I may dislike a lot about myself and how I look but honestly to me the only thing in life that matters to me is raising my son to be a respectful, polite, and well rounded gentleman and I am on the right path to achieving that.
Side Note; Both of my parents were in the Army so growing up they were very strict on my sisters and I on how we treat others, especially our elders. I was taught at a very young age to use my manners, shake hands when meeting people, and to say ma'am and sir when speaking to people. Growing up people were always shocked when I would shake their hands and call them ma'am and sir, and a lot of times they would say that I was too young to be calling them ma'am and sir. It's sad that many people do not practice these things anymore and it's even more sad when people are shocked when they are respected like that.
Jaiden is only two but we are already teaching him his manners, to shake hands when he meets people, and to call them ma'am and sir. My son will be raised to be polite and respectful to others even if it is dying down and not many kids to it anymore. I may be young but that will not stop me from raising an amazing son, and any future children that Kitt and I have. Anyways, back to grocery shopping..Why was this day such an amazing day for me? Because I believe I have finally showed to the world that I am not just a teen mom, I'm not a bad mom, and most importantly I am not just another statistic. I have reached and accomplished a major goal that I set for myself and I am proud! I am proud to be young, I am proud to be a mom, I am proud to be married to my sons father, but I'm even more proud to be able to prove to everyone who ever doubted me that I am raising one hell of a child who is nothing short of amazing. Anyone who told me to get an abortion, I was ruining my life, I would be a bad mom, my child would resent me because I can't give him what he needs, I would just be another girl who gives young moms a bad name, PLEASE take a look at me now. I am PROUD I didn't get an abortion, I am PROUD of my life, I am PROUD that I am a good mom, I am PROUD that Jaiden loves me more than anyone will ever know, and I am PROUD that I am one of the few young moms that do not contribute to giving teen moms a bad reputation.
To everyone out there, don't be afraid to voice what you are proud of or what you like about yourself. Don't be afraid to look into a mirror and think "I am gorgeous" or to look at yourself and think "I am a good person". You should love who you are and you deserve be able to show everyone that and not have to worry about what others think. Don't be afraid to tell someone that you are proud of them or that they are beautiful, you never know what that could do for someone! To everyone reading this, regardless of who you are, you CAN accomplish whatever goals and dreams you have for yourself all you have to do is BELIEVE in yourself! No dream or goal is ever to big! YOU CAN DO IT! Whether you have accomplished a goal or haven't yet but have set one for yourself, I am PROUD of YOU! Being able to say you have a goal is better than not having one at all. I hope this has helped you out in some way. Please let me know in the comments below something about yourself that you are proud of, something about yourself that you like, or a goal that you have set for yourself or all three! Also, please leave any feedback that you may have! Thank you for reading this and remember, you are beautiful inside and out and you can accomplish whatever you set your mind to!
Quote of the day; Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside of you that is greater than any obstacle. -Christian D. Larson

Goodnight loves.

I know I said I wasn't going to post a blog post tonight, but when I was putting Jaiden to bed this was too cute to not capture. Every night when I put Jaiden to bed we have a routine that goes a little bit like this; I say "goodnight baby, sleep good okay?" he says "okay" then I say "and have good dreams?" and he says "okay" then we say good night and I love you. After we do our routine good nights, the past few nights I've been saying I love you sooooo much, and he has been responding with this. It is seriously the cutest thing ever and makes my heart fill with such happiness and joy.

It is black because we were cuddling in bed and all of the lights were off :) If you can't understand what he's saying, he's saying "I love you so much so much so much so much" over and over. I hope you enjoy this little blurb into mine and Jaiden's relationship, it's truly something special.

How do I deal with my body image issues?

It's a simple answer, I don't. More than 90% of women in America are unhappy with the way they look, and I am a part of that 90%. My whole life I have struggled with the way I look and have always seen  myself as not good enough. I have tried to start this post about 6 times now and I can't get past the first sentence without crying, so please bare with me through this as it's really difficult for me to talk about.
Before I got pregnant with Jaiden I was extremely skinny. I was 105 lbs, had nice curves, perky boobs, flat stomach, and no cellulite or stretch marks. I had the body that most women dreamed of having and even though I knew that, I still was not happy. I could look in a mirror and point out a million things I didn't like about my body. Now with that being said, I also knew I was good looking and I was very full of myself. Whenever someone would compliment me on my body or the way I looked, a lot of the time I would reply with "I know, thanks". From being bullied so often I grew a very thick skin and even though deep down I was unhappy about my body, I would act like I knew I was the hottest thing that ever walked the earth. When I gave birth to Jaiden I weighed 186 lbs, yes I gained 80 lbs with him. It has been almost 3 years since then and I have only been able to lose 40 out of the 80 I gained. I have tried so many times to workout and eat healthier but I get so discouraged when I don't see the results that I want, so I stop. Now when I look into a mirror I see a fat stomach, stretch marks, saggy boobs, fat thighs full of cellulite, love handles, and a fat ass. My body is not the same one that I had years ago, and some days I can't even look into a mirror because I cannot stand the way I look. To go from being so skinny and having an amazing body, to being over weight and not comfortable in your own skin is an extreme change. Not being able to look into a mirror without wanting to cry because I am so uncomfortable with who I am is an awful feeling, one that is worse than any bullying I have ever experienced. If I don't like who I am and don't find myself attractive, how is my husband supposed to? How is he supposed to love me when I cant even love myself? Most days when I get out of the shower and look in the mirror, I have to look away because I'm afraid I'll cry. For the past year I have tried to build my self confidence and be okay with who I am, but it's honestly one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. I will have days where I feel like I am on top of the world and my self confidence is really high, but then I will have other days where I will sit in pjs all day because I'm afraid to put on clothes. I know I am not largest girl in the world and a lot of you will probably read this and think I am pathetic, and I'm not trying to sit here and have a pity party for myself but the way a lot of us see ourselves is a real problem. To look at the statistics and see that 90% of women are unhappy with themselves is so sad, and to know that a lot of them probably have an eating disorder or are self harming is even sadder. I hope that one day I will be able to tell other woman that are struggling with their body image that it gets better. I have came a long way as far as how I see myself, but I still have a long journey ahead of me until I am confident in myself. It's a work in progress, and a daily struggle but I hope that someday I will be able to look into a mirror and say "I am beautiful, flaws and all".
To all of you that are struggling with the same issue, YOU are BEAUTIFUL! Whether you are a size 0 or a size 40, you are amazing and to someone out there you are the sexiest person ever! If you are unhappy with the way you look and want to be more confident you don't need to starve yourself, make yourself puke after every meal, or cause yourself physical pain, all you need to do is start believing in yourself. Whoever you are reading this and if you are having a hard time, I believe in you and think you are gorgeous and I know that with time, you can believe it too! I know this post was a bit different than my last couple but nonetheless I hope you enjoyed it and got to know me a bit more. If you enjoyed it please leave a comment with your feedback and what you would like to see me talk about next! And please know that I did not write this to get attention, I wrote it because it is the truth and I want to help others that are in the same situation know that they are not alone. I hope you all have an amazing day and please remember, you are beautiful no matter what anyone says.
Quote of the day; There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty. -Steve Maraboli

My pregnancy story, Part 2.

Welcome back for part 2 of my pregnancy story! I will begin where we left off in part 1, Kitt being in trouble with the law.
So sometime in the spring of 2010, Kitt and a bunch of his friends went out late at night and went into an abandoned house for fun, and then later decided it would be cool to mess around with cars of people they hated. He never told me about any of this until the cops showed up at his house one morning and took him and his brother into handcuffs and brought them down to the police station for questioning. When he got home he confessed to me about being with them but said that he only went into the building, he didn't vandalize anything he was just with everyone else while they were doing it causing him to be guilty by association. While all of this was going on I had turned 16 and I was now living in Washington DC, I was around 5 months pregnant and knew I was having a boy! Many months passed and in October 2010 Kitt went to court and since he was 17 when he committed the crimes, (he turned 18 in august, shortly after being charged) he was able to be charged as a minor and only got 2 weeks in juvenile hall! While he was in juvie we were not allowed to have any communication besides writing letters after the first week. Being so far along in my pregnancy I was extremely emotional about everything and was so upset that he wasn't able to experience any of it with me. He was missing out on Dr. appointments, ultrasounds, hearing our little babies heartbeat, feeling him kick and seeing him move, and everything else that happens and it was so hard to go through it without him. Being so young and having this huge belly, going anywhere I got nasty looks and it made it even worse that I was going to these appointments by myself. I always just felt so alone and knew that I was being judged everywhere I went, especially in the waiting room of the doctors office. In the middle of November 2010 Kitt got released out of juvie and came to live with my family and I in Washington DC in December, Merry Christmas to me! Shortly after he moved down there he got a job at a local movie theater and we were able to start buying clothes and other things we needed for our baby and it all started becoming so real. We started talking about baby names and decided on the name Ashton. As soon as we put it on the internet the same people that had sent me hate in the beginning, started sending it again making fun of the name and calling him 'Asston'. Kitt was dead set on the name and didn't want to change it but all of the hate finally got to me and I just couldn't take it. I can justify someone bullying an adult, but to talk about an innocent child that wasn't even born yet really put me over the edge. I immediately started looking for new names for our baby boy and a few weeks later found Jaiden and I fell in love! At 30 weeks Jaiden was breech and my doctors started getting worried and said that if he was still breech by 34 weeks we were going to start talking about a possible c-section and other options that I had. 34 weeks came and went and he was still breech, so at my appointment my doctor brought up trying an external cephalic aversion. I had done a bit of research and knew that this had many risks that went along with it that could harm the baby so I told him I was going to think about it and get back to him the next day. My mom picked me up from  my appointment and I started balling my eyes out, I was so scared! We went home and talked about it, all of the risks as well as the pros and cons. My mom was a nurse on the Labor and Delivery floor of the hospital I was going to give birth at, and she assured me that all of the nurses and doctors there are highly professional and would be able to execute this without any problems, but IF any were to occur they would be able to handle it. Hesitantly, I called my doctor and told him I would do it and he set up a date for when I was 36 weeks pregnant. The day came for my aversion and I was still so afraid, Kitt had to work so my mom went with me and stayed with me the entire time. When I went in they talked to me about what was going to happen and gave me an ultrasound to figure out how he was sitting and what techniques they were going to use. They gave me this medicine through an IV that makes your uterus soften so it is easier to move the baby around. This medicine caused my heart to race so unbelievably fast, it was scary but I knew it was going to help. While the procedure was going on there were 3 nurses and 2 doctors in the room with me making sure everything was going smoothly. What they do during an external aversion the doctor literally turns the baby from the outside, he grabbed my stomach where Jaiden's head and bum were and turned it. A lot of people say it isn't painful, but oh my goodness it was SO painful for me. I was crying the entire time, not just from the uncomfortableness of the procedure but I was still so scared. It took probably 5-6 tries and a half an hr and finally he turned! They did another ultrasound to make sure he was sitting in an ok position and the umbilical cord was not wrapped around him or anything. I had to stay for another hour so they could monitor myself an the babies heart beat to make sure he wasn't put in any stress. A week or two went by and in the middle of the night I stood up and this liquid dripped down the sides of the legs, I was sure my water had broke so I called my mom, she was working, and she said even though I wasn't having contracts to go in. I woke my dad up and he brought me to the hospital and turns out it was just pee.. EMBARRASSING! Fast forward to February 2011, my sister and her kids came to visit! On February 26 we went to the zoo and all day my panties kept getting wet(TMI? sorry!) and I thought it was just pee because I wasn't having any contractions except the occasional braxton hicks, but I wasn't worried because I had experienced those nearly my entire pregnancy. On February 28, my due date!, I had an ultrasound. During the ultrasound the tech had told me that my fluids were extremely low and she was sending me up to L&D to be induced. I was so excited to be welcoming my little boy into this world but I was also so scared because I just wasn't prepared and I didn't know if any complications were going to come from having low fluids.I got induced at 4:00 pm that day. My mom was working but she was able to sit with me in my room, which I was so thankful for! My water broke completely later that night and shortly after, my contractions started. Before I went in I had told myself and Kitt that I did not want an epidural at all, no matter how much the pain was, I didn't want one. The nurse that I had for the night came in and talked to me about getting an epidural, and even though I had planned to refused I ended up doing it. I was so scared that with every contraction not only did my heart rate raise, but so did Jaiden's and she said that if it kept happening it might put Jaiden under stress. It allowed me to completely relax and sleep most of the night. 11AM the next day I was 10 cm dilated and ready to push! 1 hr of pushing went by and still no sign of Jaiden.. 2hrs of pushing and still no Jaiden, by this point the doctors figured out that he was stuck on my pelvic bone, so she took out a ventouse, also commonly referred to as a vacuum. My doctor told me she would not let me push for more than 4 hours, and if I did they were going to send me for an emergency c-section. I was so terrified of the thought of having a c-section so I tried so hard to get him out. It took 3 more hours of pushing and pulling with the vacuum until my beautiful son entered this world at 4:15 PM, sunny side up. Sunny side up is a term they use when the baby is born facing the belly instead of downwards towards the spine, which is why he got stuck on my pelvic bone. I am so grateful she let me keep pushing past the 4 hour mark. He was born at a whooping 8 lbs 12 oz & 22in long, he was the most beautiful baby I had ever laid my eyes on and in that moment my entire life changed forever.
I hope you enjoyed my pregnancy story! If you did please leave a comment below giving me your feedback and if you haven't already, go check out part 1 that I posted last night. I hope you all are having a wonderful day!
Quote of the day; Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover you who are.

My pregnancy story, Part 1.

In May of 2010 I was on my way to my boyfriends house to spend 2 weeks with him when I checked my period app on my phone and realized I was 4 days late. On the way there I was getting really worried about the possibility of being pregnant but shortly after I arrived at his house I went to the bathroom and started my period. Although it only lasted 2 days, I was SO relieved and didn't really think much of it. At the end of my stay I woke up one morning and felt different. I was extremely tired, my stomach felt a bit off, and I just had an overwhelming feeling that I was pregnant, so I told Kitt, my boyfriend, and we walked down to the gas station and picked up a pregnancy test. The whole way back we were talking about what was going to happen if it was positive and we both agreed abortion was completely out of the question. We got back to the house and I immediately went into the bathroom and peed on the stick, I didn't look at it until I was in the bedroom so we could see the result together. As we were sitting there in complete silence two little lines appeared, I was so scared I didn't know what to say or do so I just busted out laughing. I was in complete denial and thought it must had been a false positive because my period had been messed up. A week later my sister was returning home from Iraq with severe medical problems so my parents and I were going to go down and visit her. My family had flown out ahead of me and the morning I was supposed to leave I woke up with awful morning sickness. I called my mom telling her I was puking so bad and didn't think I could make it on the bus or plane and her first question, the one I was most dreading, was "are you pregnant?". I was so scared but told her I thought I might be, so before leaving my sister went to the store and got me a pregnancy test. It was one of the boxes that came with 3, so I took them all and they all said the same thing.. Positive. I called my mom crying and told her they were positive, she asked me what I wanted to do and I said I wanted to keep it, she said ok and hung up the phone. My sister drove me to Bangor, ME to get on a bus to Boston, MA but my bus wasn't leaving for another day so I stayed with one of my other sisters for the night(I have 5 sisters, 4 older & 1 younger). We went out to supper and I decided to tell her that I was pregnant, and the look on her face after I told her was awful. She immediately went to the bathroom and cried for probably 15 minutes before coming back and finishing her food. On the way back to her house she tried to convince me to get an abortion, even though I told her multiple times I didn't want to. I was so hurt that she was so upset and didn't want me to have this baby, but now that I am older I can see she was just trying to look out for me and it just came out the wrong way. The next morning came and I said goodbye to my sister, loaded my stuff onto the bus, and ended up spending the entire trip in the bathroom because I just could not stop puking. When I reached the airport I ate a bit and was able to sleep the entire flight to Washington DC where my parents and little sister were and from there we were going to drive to Columbus, GA. That was hands down the worst 14 hour car ride I have ever experienced, and I have driven cross country multiple times. Dramamine was my best friend because it eased the pain enough so that I could sleep, but when we stopped to pee or eat I puked every time. While we were in Georgia my mom and dad called all my family and told them the news, most were disappointed and didn't want me to have this baby but after they explained I was against abortion, although they did not agree with my decision, they stuck by me and gave me their support and love. Knowing that I had let down so many people in my family was really hard for me, but we are family and no matter what mistakes anyone makes we will always be there for each other, even if we don't agree with it. That is what family is for. After we returned from Georgia my mom decided we were going to go live with my dad in DC so we could be a family and I could have better doctors in case I had a high risk pregnancy, from all of my medical complications as a child. Since DC is such a huge city it took me 2 months to get into an OBGYN, absolutely crazy if you ask me, and by that point I was almost 5 months pregnant. My morning sickness lasted for quiet a few more months until I finally figured out that if I ate saltine crackers the second I got up, I wouldn't be sick. Even though I had moved people still got wind that I was pregnant and I started receiving so many hateful comments through my social media websites. I was bullied my entire life so I have heard a lot of mean and extremely disrespectful comments, but never in my life had I experienced people saying such hateful things.
I went onto an old social media website that I had called Formspring, it is were people can go an anonymously ask you questions, and got a few posts as examples; 14 Jun 10
your a slut no one likes you go kill yourself, 30 May 10
you a fuking S-L-U-T!! you should have an abortion. 8 Jan 11
god that's a stupid fucking name for a child..........jaiden? dumb bitch can't even spell that made up name correctly, white trash whore. you should have had an abortion, you should have been an abortion! 8 Jun 11
fat ugly bitch. ur body is ruined. full of stretch marks and shit. fuckin disgusting! 3 Apr 11
your a heartless whore. your ugly ass kid is a mistake. kill urself and your baby too. 2 Apr 11
your a cunt. get over yourself. your a stuck up fat bitch. posting pictures and status' of your kid ,no one cares. your a shit mom..
And those are just a few of the hundreds I received, most of them were much more vulgar and hateful towards not only me, but Jaiden as well. I chose the 'mildly' hurtful ones because I didn't want you to have to hear some of the harsher things people were saying, and I certainty didn't want to be reminded of them every time I read this blog post. During this time I wasn't only being bullied, I was also losing friends and my boyfriend, Kitt, was in a lot of trouble with the law and was facing jail time.
And this is where I'm going to stop this post! I will post part 2 tomorrow after I put Jaiden down for a nap :) I want to try and keep it so these posts are not super long so you aren't sitting here for an hour reading, ha ha. I hope you enjoyed part 1 of my pregnancy story, if you did please leave a comment below leaving your feed back! See you later for Part 2!  
Quote of the day; Please know it gets better, it truly does. You are a unique and beautiful person! Be strong.

How it all began.

It all started on August 29, 1994 when I was welcomed into this world by my parents and 4 older siblings in Madison, Wisconsin. At 4 weeks old I was diagnosed with Pyloric stenosis( that is where the stomach muscle does not form correctly and causes you to projectile vomit constantly), shortly after we had learned that I had asthma as well as a multitude of other medical things wrong. My parents and I went through many blood tests, doctors appointments, hospital visits, shots, and x-rays, and why I was so sick was still a mystery. The one thing that doctors did know was that I was a very severe asthmatic and could not live without steroids, a dosage for a 200 lb grown male to be exact. Not even a year old and my parents and I were introduced to a world of pain, suffering, sleepless nights, and countless trips to the hospital because I would stop breathing at the drop of a hat. After nearly dying 7 times and being on steroids constantly for many many years, still no one had any idea why I was such a sickly child and my parents started to question the need for all of the medications. Doctors said if I kept taking the steroids at such a high dosage for much longer I would most likely die and any side effects I would suffer in the future were a complete mystery, and if I was taken off of them I would still die. My parents, against medical advice, took the chance and started to slowly ween me off of all steroids and other medications I was on, and miraculously I started becoming healthier. I had suffered many side effects from all of the medications, like extreme amounts of hair all over my body, I would get random streaks of pain throughout my body, abnormal joint pain, my bones were very fragile, and tons of other things but because of all of this I was not 'normal' and could not do 'normal' things growing up. I always had to be very cautious when doing activities with friends or at school because if I overworked myself just a tiny bit I would have an asthma attack. All of these things put together caused me to me bullied a lot growing up, to the point I would come home crying daily because the kids were so mean to me. In second grade my mom taught me how to shave in hopes it would help the other kids see me as normal and it did, quiet a bit actually, but I was still made fun of for still not being able to run and play like the others without having an asthma attack. I became very shy and throughout elementary school I had a group of friends that I stuck with, and without them I don't think I would have made it through the first few years of school. At the end of my 4th grade we decided to move to a very rural part of Maine. I thought this was going to be great, I could have a fresh start and no one could use my past to bully me, but still I was bullied for no reason at all. Now by this time in my life my asthma had calmed down a lot and I was able to play sports and do basically anything as long as I used my inhaler before hand. I started playing soccer, my favorite sport, and I was a pretty good player until I broke my arm playing. Since my bones were so fragile a simple slide tackle caused my elbow to dislocate,  break both bones in my right arm, and they both broke in 3 different spots. It took 4 surgeries, 2 metal plates, 16 screws, and 2 years for my arm to heal completely. During this time I was so unbelievably popular and I was loving it! I had never had so many people be nice to me and want to hangout. It wasn't until after I was out of a cast and completely healed that I found out they only wanted to be my friend because they felt bad for me. So then we moved again and by this time I was in high school. Now high school is a whole different world, girls are catty and mean, all boys want is sex, cliques are formed, people are made fun of for not wearing high end clothing, if you don't party and are not popular you're stupid, if you do your homework you're a teachers pet, nasty rumors are started, basically anything and everything about you is talked about and judged. Since I had been subjected to bullying my entire life, I was extremely strong emotionally and mentally and I had a major 'do not give a fuck' attitude which caused people to see me as a bitch. There were nasty rumors about me spread constantly, I got dirty looks walking from class to class, teachers hated me because I was so attitudinal, I was basically a walking target for people to hate on. Sophomore year came and I decided to drop out of high school to go to a private online school. I absolutely loved it, I didn't have homework every day, I only had one class in the morning I had to be apart of, I was basically a free person and this is when I met my husband. During this time one of my older sisters was a Biathlete and was training to compete in the Olypmics and so she was traveling all over the United States as well as all over the world. Since I was home schooled I was able to travel with my family, and this is a part of my life that I will never forget. We went to Iceland, Sweden, Germany, Paris, Austria, Canada, and all over the United States. When we got back from traveling the world I was spending a lot of time with my boyfriend and not long after fell pregnant, at 15 years old. Although I was not in school the word got around very quickly and I received some of the worst hate I have ever gotten in my life. People were telling me to get an abortion, kill myself, I was going to be the worst mother ever, I was ruining my life, I was an awful person, mentally unstable, they hoped my child would be born with a disability, I was a bitch, skank, slut, whore,  basically anything and everything nasty I was getting it sent to me. All of the friends I had stopped talking to me and I had no one except my family and boyfriend. I was so depressed, I stopped doing my schooling and dropped out of online school. My entire life my dad has worked for the government so he was always away from home months at a time and had a second home in Washington DC, so when I got pregnant we decided to move to DC so we could be a family. After I had my son in 2011 we moved back up to northern Maine so I could finish my schooling in a program called CHIPPY. It is a school for mothers and fathers that had children and never got to finish their education, and while I was in class my son was in the room next to me being watched. It was an amazing program, I got so much support from other moms and the teachers and it really helped me to push myself. I got my GED and graduated in 2012, something that I am SO unbelievably proud of myself for doing. Fast forward a bit and here I am now.. 19, married, my son is perfectly healthy, we are living on our own in Las Vegas, beating all the statistics people have for teen parents, and I am stronger than I have ever been before. If I can over come everything that I have been through, I know you can too!
 I know I skipped out on a lot of details but I didn't want this post to be extremely long and I want to save my pregnancy story for another post. I hope you enjoyed this little blurb about my life! If you did please leave a comment letting me know and if you have any feedback or request for my next post, please feel free to comment that as well! I hope you all have a great day and remember you too can overcome any obstacle you are facing, you just have to believe in yourself!