How I'm feeling..

Well it's been nearly a year since I've written a blog post, and to be honest I've really missed it. There's something so very therapeutic about sitting down by myself and writing whatever comes to mind. The last post I wrote on here was last October or November and I was anouncing my pregnancy. Since then a lot has obviously changed.. Life has this funny way of flipping your world upside down and having everything happen all at once, and that is exactly what happened to me. 

Let's back track to the very beginning of 2014; We found out I was pregnant in October and we were so ecstatic and everything was going smoothly, until February. Chris(Kitt) lost his job so we packed up all of our stuff and drove cross country back to Virginia to be with my parents. Chris got a job in Maine so he moved up to Maine with Jaiden while I stayed in VA to have my baby. June 20, 2014 I gave birth via c-section to Wyatt Joseph Carson and a week later I moved to Maine to be with Kitt and Jaiden. Fast forward two months later and here we are now.  A lot of other things happened inbetween what I just listed but those aren't important right now, maybe I'll write a blog post going into more detail later. 

So here we are in August of 2014.. How am I feeling? Well I'm not entirely sure, if I'm honest. I put on this act and it seems like nothing is wrong but if you look under the surface I'm barely holding on. It's not even that my life is totally awful, because it's not, it's just a bunch of little things that keep adding up into one big thing. For starters, money is tight. Everyone has been at this place at some point in their life, and if you haven't yet then prepare yourself because it's going to happen and it's going to really suck. We are living in a tiny house with Kitts parents. Now don't get me wrong I love his parents and they help out so much with the boys and I'm very grateful for that, but if you've ever lived on your own and then went back to living with someone you know how hard it is. There's nothing better than having a place that is your own to call home. Jaiden is 3 1/2 now and is in the stage where he wants to get his way and he wants to push your buttons and not listen at all, which is just lovely really... Please note the sarcasm there. Wyatt is having health issues, nothing too major thank goodness, but enough for it to be really stressful. And finally one of the biggest things, my emotional state. Before I begin, please don't mistake this for me being depressed because that's far from what it is. I'm very happy, I'm just very hormonal and my emotions are all over the place. One day I'm really good and really happy and the next day I have to force myself to keep a smile on my face and the tears in my eyes. A big part of this, I think, is my appearance. I know I've written a blog post on this before and I don't mean to be repetitive, but I have a major problem with my body image. Just the other day I sat in front of a mirror in the bedroom and cried my eyes out. I absolutely cannot stand the way I look, and it's not just my body it's my face as well. There is nothing about myself that I find appealing anymore and it's honestly really heartbreaking. Kitt came in while I was sitting there crying and asked what was wrong, and I responded with "I'm so ugly.. I just want to feel pretty again". It's not even that I want to look in the mirror and feel like a beauty queen, all I really want is to be okay with myself and be comfortable with who I am and what I look like. I don't know how many times I have thought about ripping the mirror off of the wall because when I look at myself I just feel so hideous and it breaks my heart. I'm so jealous of the girls who have a nice body and the girls that don't have to put makeup on to look beautiful. The truth is, no matter how much I bust my ass and how much weight I lose, I will never have my body back. I should feel proud of myself and my body, I carried two amazing little boys in there and that's an amazing thing, but when I look at myself I feel nothing but disgust. Does that make me an awful person? That the reason I don't like my body is because of my children... You know saying that out loud, or I guess typing it and reading it over to myself, makes me feel so selfish and shitty.. I am a mom and being a mom not only comes with sleepless nights, a messy house, and temper tantrums but it also comes with a ruined body and I guess that is something that I just need to learn to accept. I love my babies more than anything in this world and I wouldn't trade them for anything, even a perfect body, but I just wish I could love myself as well. I have been trying so hard to build my self esteem but it's honestly one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do.. But as long as I have my husband and children by my side, I can handle looking and feeling ugly because in the end they are all that really matter to me.

 If your reading this, please don't feel sorry for me. I will be okay. No, you know what.. I am okay. Something so little shouldn't affect me like this and have so much 'say' in my happiness. It's so ridiculous that I let something as stupid my body control my happiness, I just feel so defeated I suppose. I don't understand how my husband still finds me sexy when I can't even look at myself without crying. Unconditional love, I guess? 

Now that I've rambled, made probably no sense whatsoever, and had a little pity party for myself, I'm going to grow some balls and stop feeling so sorry for myself.. At least for tonight. 

Let me know in the comments below what you'd like to see next.. Another 'diary' type post, my delivery story with Wyatt, what it's like being a mom of two, or maybe you could suggest something? I don't know.. Hopefully I can get back into the swing of blogging again and do it more often because I truly enjoy it.

 Until next time, enjoy this adorable picture of Jaiden and Wyatt holding hands while they napped;

Special Announcement!!

I'm pregnant!! 

I am SO unbelievably excited to be having another baby! We have been wanting to have another baby for quiet a while now but Kitt and I weren't sure about when would be the right time, but apparently now is! We are so happy and could not wait to share the news with you all. I've already posted this on my Facebook, so most of you probably know, but for those that aren't on my Facebook now you know! I will of course be sharing my journey on here, I'll be doing weekly updates and I'm thinking of doing them in video form instead of writing. A few posts ago I wrote about starting a series to lose weight and eat healthier, I'm still trying to eat healthier but I'm going to put that series on hold until after the baby is born. I will post my first pregnancy update after my Dr apt in a few weeks, right now going off of my last period I'm roughly 4-5 weeks pregnant and due in late July! I know I've said this a million times already, but I am so so soo excited and I'm even more excited to share this with you guys. Pregnancy is such an amazing and beautiful thing to experience. If you guys have any questions please feel free to leave them in the comment section below, email me, or message me on Facebook! Yay for babies :) 

Losing friends.

So recently, well today actually, I lost a friend. He didn't like die, we just aren't friends anymore. It's really tough so I thought I would kind of let my feelings out in a blog post and hopefully help any of you that are going through something similar. I suppose I should start from the beginning..
My friend and I met online through Myspace in 7th grade. We had a lot of mutual friends and he lived a few towns away so it's not like he was a complete stranger from Zimbabwe or something hah. When we first started talking we really like clicked and became best friends straight away. He was there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to and would help me out with my problems and I would do the same. We'd spend 3, 4, 5 hours talking on the phone nearly every night, and those who know me know I HATE talking on the phone. Randomly we started flirting and we started to have a relationship based on that kind of. It's not like we were friends with benefits or anything because we only flirted with each other we didn't do anything more and whenever either of us got into a relationship we obviously stopped and just went back to having a 'normal' relationship. There was this one time when Kitt and I first started dating and we had continued to flirt, bad I know, and a bit after Kitt found out and our relationship nearly ended but I decided to stop being friends with him so that Kitt and I could be together. We started working on our relationship and building the trust back up and had Jaiden in that time and our lives were great. After two years of not talking to him he randomly sent me a friend request on Facebook and we started talking again. It was like we never lost touch and picked right back up with where we left off, without the flirting though obviously. Kitt was a little nervous about us being friends again but I promised that part of our relationship was over and we were just friends, so we continued to talk. But every time he got a girlfriend he would just stop talking to me and would delete me off of all social media websites. Every time I was really hurt but got over it and when his relationships ended or got rocky he would come back and I'd always let him back into my life and our relationship would pick right back up. This went on for many many years, we'd go months without talking and then one day I'd get a friend request and we'd be 'besties' again. Even when we were on our breaks, I guess you could call them that, I would always refer to him as my best friend because honestly to me regardless of what we went through he was MY best friend, whether I was his or not. We had went through so much together, he helped me out through so much growing up and he knew more about me than anyone else. There were a few years where he was in a bad place and was really depressed and just unhappy with life and I actually talked him our of suicide a few times. Basically we went through everything together and were beside each other every step of the way. Growing up my mom always told me to find that one best friend and to never let them go, and up until today I thought he was that person and it's really hard to let go of that. When people ask me who my first love was to be honest I always think of him. Although we never dated and never had a serious relationship, we had that connection and even just being best friends over the years I fell in love with him and I think that makes it even harder to let go of the relationship. I'm  not still in love with him but he was a huge part of my life and for the longest time was the only person that I could really count on. Before we went on our last break we thought about giving the dating thing a try but our paths just didn't cross, I ended up moving back to Virginia and Kitt moved down with me and we ended up getting back together and my friend and I had promised that we weren't going to let that affect our friendship, because we were best friends before we were anything. A few months went by and mine and Kitt's relationship got more serious again and we were talking about marriage and whatnot and Kitt wanted me not to stop being friends with him, but to not be as close to him. I had a really hard time with that and was honestly going to end mine and Kitt's relationship if I had to stop being friends with him, because his friendship meant that much to me. Around January of this year his girlfriend decided she didn't like us being friends and made him stop being friends with  me. He didn't put up a fight or anything, just one day I got onto Facebook and I had not only been deleted but blocked as well. That was awful for me, I spent weeks and even months crying about it because I had fought so hard for our friendship but he just threw it away without blinking an eye. I know that might seem a bit ridiculous, that I cried that much over losing a friend, but anyone who has had a best friend for many many years knows how hard it is to let them go. Just a few weeks ago he started talking to me again and I was so happy but I wasn't going to let my guard down just in case the same thing happened, and yet again today I wake up and I'm deleted off of everything. I'm not so much hurt as I am disappointed. We had a few talks over the past few weeks about our friendship and he had told me numerous times that he was done letting me go and done throwing away our friendship because he needs me in his life as a friend. I've thought of those talks many times today and the only thing that comes to my head is 'bullshit'. It's easy to say those things to people but it's hard to prove them, you can talk the talk but none of it matters if you can't walk the walk and he's proven to me time and time again that he just can't walk it. It's sad, it really is, but sometimes you just have to let go. Today was a big eye opener for me. I've realized that I can't keep letting people waltz in and out of my life as they please. I have always been the type of person that puts other peoples happiness before my own and I will welcome anyone into my life and be there for them. You would think that being bullied nearly my entire life would make me bitter and bitchy, but it's the exact opposite. I guess from knowing what it's like to have no one and to be so unhappy, I don't want others feeling that way. You could be my enemy for years but if you come to me saying you need someone or want to be friends, I will be there with arms wide open. I will give my all and put 200% into a relationship or friendship even if you are only putting in 10%, it's just who I am. I'm too nice and too caring, I will move mountains if it means guaranteeing someones happiness.
There comes a time when enough is enough, one person can only take so much hurt and I've reached that limit. It's time that I put myself and MY happiness first. It's going to suck, a lot actually, but I've lost many friends over the years and I got over it with time so I know that I can do the same now. I'm done fighting for people when they are not going to fight back. I'm done being taken advantage of, I'm done having my life be a revolving door for people, I'm done making other people happy when they wouldn't do the same for me, and I'm absolutely and completely done with part time friends. Bottom line is, I don't need anyone in my life who doesn't need me in theirs. I have too much good in my life and in my heart to let one person ruin that for me, I deserve the best and I deserve someone who not only cares about me but for our friendship as well. After I got pregnant with Jaiden I removed all 'toxic' people from my life because I just don't need the drama, and as much as it kills me to say this, he was toxic to me and its time I remove him from my life as well. I've held on for so long but today I am ending the chapter and closing the book and never looking back. I'm not going to spend my nights crying this time, because at the end of the day it's his loss not mine. He will always be a huge part of my life and I will always have a special place in my heart for him, but I'm onto bigger and better things. I've got family and friends that really truly love me and are happy for me and my life and that's all that I need.
So to any of you that have lost a friend or have toxic friends in your life, it is okay to let them go. You don't need anyone in your life that don't need you in theirs. I know it's hard and it will really suck, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. If there's one thing that I have learned over the years from losing friends it's that during that time you get to really see who you are and what you want in life and who is there for the long haul. When you're surrounded by friends sometimes you lose sight of yourself and your judgements can get clouded by their input and opinions. Sometimes it's good to sit back and kind of purposely lose touch with people in your life and see who makes the effort to talk to you and hang out with you, ones that don't really notice obviously are people you don't want in your life. Especially if you are in high school now is the time to focus on yourself, what you want, and where you want to go in life and if you have been with the same friends or clique for a while it might be good to have some distance and figure out who is really there for you and who will support you through your life adventures. After high school people go their own way and meet new people and develop new friends and it's scary for a lot of people because if you have been in a group of friends growing up you kind of all become one and forget who you really are, so just stay true to you and stay strong. Losing friends suck but it's apart of life and it's a good growing experience, you can really learn a lot about other people and yourself in the process. Maybe there is someone out there that is your 'soul mate best friend' but you haven't found them yet because you have been with the same group of friends and are afraid to branch out. Don't be afraid to go outside of your comfort zone and meet new people, you never know what can happen and who you can meet. This year has been a huge year for me in terms of stepping out of my comfort zone and doing things I never would have before, including meeting new people and I've actually met some pretty awesome friends. If you're losing friends, just know you're not alone and it's not the end of the world, maybe it's just meant to be and someone around the corner is waiting for you and you'll become best friends.  The same goes for relationships, you'll make it through it and someone better who truly cares for you will come into your life and everything will make sense.
I know this post is a bit different but I kind of just needed to vent and release my feelings towards the situation. I treated it kind of like a diary entry I suppose, just a very public diary haha.  I kept his name private just because I'm not sure that he would want his name out there for everyone to see, so sorry if there are bits that don't make sense or aren't written the best. Regardless I hope you enjoyed this and hopefully I may have helped one of you out. I know we all struggle with this at points in our lives and it really sucks but what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Please leave me your feedback in the comments and let me know how you deal with losing someone in your life, I'm interested to know. I personally just focus on the positive things that are happening in my life and look to the future and think about all the really great things that can happen and just know that I have family and a few friends in my life that I know love and care about me 1000%. At the end of the day it's just a small matter compared to all the great things and great people I have in my life. Life is too short to spend it unhappy or chasing people who aren't worth it. Anyways I think I've rambled enough haha, I hope you all have a great day or night! Remember, you are in control of your happiness and if you aren't happy, make a change in your life because you deserve to be happy!
Quote of the day; You may not be able to control every situation and it's outcome, but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it.

Working on my body image; Epsiode 1!

Hey guys! So I got a lot of feed back on my "How I deal with my body image" post so I thought I would make it a series! It's not so much for you guys rather than it is for me. I want to really try and motivate myself to start eating healthier and exercising and I thought that I would bring you guys along the journey with me!

The picture on the left is a picture that I took last year around this time.. The picture on the right is a picture I took today... 
In the last post that I put up about my body image a lot of you said you don't understand why I am so uncomfortable with my body and that I wasn't even chubby. This picture shows how my body has transformed in just the last year alone and if you can believe it I was even SKINNIER than the left picture before I go pregnant. It's a major change for me. My thighs are significantly larger, as well as my butt and stomach. It's honestly really hard to look at these pictures side by side, I knew I have gained weight but I honestly didn't realize how much larger I have actually gotten. The past week or so I have actually been feeling pretty good about how I look but after comparing these pictures I'm back to where I started.. excuse me while I go eat my feelings in ice cream. Hah just kidding! That wouldn't solve anything.

A bit of random information for you; 

Recently I've been baby sitting children in my home to earn some extra money and give me something to do. I've been saving the money and the other day I decided to use that money to go buy me some new clothes. I don't remember the last time I bought anything for myself. Whenever we have extra cash we always spend it on Jaiden so it was nice to get something for myself for a change :)

Step 1 to working on my body image; Revamp my closet

As I said in the paragraph before this, I went out and got myself new clothes! Since I've been gaining a lot of weight most of my pants no longer fit me. I'd try and get them on but I wouldn't be able to get them over my butt so I'd always just throw on some cute sweats or yoga pants. As you can imagine, wearing sweats all day every day really takes a toll on your self esteem after a while and it got to the point where I just stayed in my pjs all day because I was afraid to get dressed. I only had one pair of jeans that actually fit me, and even then I had to do a hop and a  jump and wiggle my butt to get into them, so I decided if I want to start being more confident I need to get some clothes that actually fit me. I got 2 pairs of pants and a few shirts and I've been wearing them the past few days and it has really helped me see myself better. Today Kitt and I took Jaiden to the park and I put on my new jeans and a cute shirt and for the first time in what seems like forever, I looked in the mirror and thought to myself  "I am so beautiful today" and for me to say that is HUGE! When I walked out of the bathroom and Kitt saw me in my new clothes his reaction was " damn you look good!", which boosted my self confidence even more.

Step 2 to working on my body image; Workout gear

Now I haven't done this but it is the next step that I am going to take! I don't own any sneakers or sports bras or anything so next pay day I am going to go out and get some. The apartment that I live in has a really nice gym so once I get some workout clothes and a pair of shoes I plan to start working out. I'm not really sure how often I should workout but I'm thinking every other day? I'm actually really excited to start working out again. A few months ago I was working out regularly but I didn't have sneakers so I was doing it barefoot but after a month of two I started having problems with my feet so I had to stop. Do you guys have any ideas on how often I should workout? If any of you workout now, how often do you workout and what workouts do you enjoy doing? I want to lose some weight and then tone the rest of my body, especially my thighs and butt. So that's what my next step is to work on my body image and get healthier!

Step 3 to working on my body image; Setting goals

When starting something new it's always good to set a goal to keep you motivated and when you accomplish that goal it's a really great feeling. So I've come up with 3 goals..

1. Eating Healthier: I don't eat the worst but I also don't eat the best. I don't really care for fruits or vegetables because I'm an extremely picky eater and the texture really bothers me so I want to try and find ways to eat fruits and veggies without having to deal with the texture. Juicing has become really popular so I might try and make some juices or smoothies so that I'm getting the vitamins and nutrients that I need. 
2. Keeping positive: A huge part of becoming comfortable in your own skin is staying positive. I am generally a really positive person but when it comes to myself I am a "debby downer" and really look down on myself. I have seen a few ideas online that I am going to do to help remind myself daily to stay positive and that I am beautiful. I am thinking about putting sticky notes on my bathroom mirror and places around the house so that I am constantly being reminded to be positive and the good things about myself. 
3. Not caring about the number: I have tried to lose weight many times before but I always got caught up on the number on the scale and not what my body actually looked like. I've come to learn that it's not all about the number rather than how my body looks and how I feel in my own skin. I don't want to focus on getting down to a certain weight, I want to focus on being comfortable in my own skin and enjoying what I look like. Whether it's 10 lbs or 40 lbs that I have to lose, it doesn't matter to me as long as I am comfortable in my own skin. I definitely don't want to be a size 0 I just want to look healthy and feel healthy. 

 I know this post is a lot different than my last ones but I really want to keep a 'journal' of my progress for becoming healthy and confident in myself. I don't know how many of you will like this series, but if you like the idea please let me know! I hope that I can inspire you to work on yourself and your health if you are like me and are not happy with the way you look.  I plan to do picture updates bi-weekly to show how my body is changing and the progress I'm making with eating healthier. Let me know in the comment section if you have any tips for eating healthy and working out and what has worked for you! I hope you enjoy this little series and let me know if there is anything else that you would like me to talk about in these posts. If you are not comfortable with yourself and want to change the way you look and feel, you should embark on this journey with me and we can help keep each other motivated! Sorry if this is not written the best and if I'm not my normal 'cheery' self, but it's 2 am and I am exhausted. I am going to go snuggle up with Jaiden and go to sleep now, but I hope you enjoyed this post. If you did please leave me your feedback in the comments and let me know any tips that you have for being healthy and working out!
Quote of the day; Pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever.

I am proud.

This is my son, Jaiden, just a few days after he was born. Cute, right? 

March 1,2011 was the day I set a goal to one day prove to others that I wasn't just another teen mom, I wasn't going to be just another statistic, I wasn't going to be a bad mom, and I surely wasn't going to let others or my son look down on me. Yes, I may have had some downs along the way where I wasn't the best mom and didn't put Jaiden first, but if I'm honest those days were numbered. If there is one thing in this world that I am 100% completely positive on, it is my ability to be an amazing mom. Many people are afraid to say the things they like about themselves whether it be their looks, their personality, or things they are good at because people see it as bragging or being conceited but I say to heck with what others think. If you think you are beautiful, tell the world! If you think you have a sexy body, tell the world! If you think you have an amazing personality, tell the world! I think that I am an exceptional mom and I'm not afraid to make sure everyone knows that!!

There have been many moments as my son grows up that have made me tear up and be SO proud of him and myself, but the other day has definitely been one of the greatest moments in my few years of parenting. 

<-- This is me, my husband, and my son going to a Halloween party in our costumes. I was Wonder Woman and Chris and Jaiden were Super Man.

And this is my husband and my son dressed in their costumes going grocery shopping. I was also in my Wonder Woman costume. -->











After our Halloween party Jaiden was so happy that he, mommy, and daddy were superheros. He kept calling us a superhero family and wanted to wear his costume all the time. A few days after the party we were getting ready to go grocery shopping and he would not stop asking if we could wear our costumes and be superheros, so we said yes. We geared up and walked out the door to go grocery shopping in our costumes. I wasn't sure what people were going to think or how they would react. I thought for sure we would be pointed at and laughed at, people would whisper and talk about us, and quiet frankly I didn't care what people did because I knew my little guy was so happy. The reaction we got was far from what I was expecting. As we were walking through the grocery store Jaiden had this huge grin on his face and said hi to everyone who walked past and made sure to tell them we were a superhero family. He was SO happy and even if you were blind, you'd be able to see it. The tone in his voice when he spoke to every stranger that passed us was something that every parent dreams of hearing and seeing. He is happy pretty much all of the time and is always giggling and playing when we are at home, but this time when we were out he was exceptionally happy. Instead of hearing "wow what weirdos" or "haha look at them" like I had expected, I heard children tell their parents "why aren't you that cool?", "look superheros!", and "I want to do that when I'm older". I had many adults walk up to me and ask me why we were dressed up and when I told them just because my son wanted us to, their reaction was priceless. I had complete strangers tell me that Jaiden was lucky to have us as parents because we weren't embarrassed to go out in public like that just for him, and many said I was a good mom. People who have NO idea who I am could see just how much I love him, and THAT makes me proud. I had people tell me that whether we knew it or not going out in public dressed like that and not caring what people thought was teaching him a valuable lesson and we should be proud parents. I am more than happy to say that Kitt and I are so very proud of not only Jaiden, but also of ourselves. Getting pregnant at 15 and having a baby at 16 was scary but I always knew I would be a good mom, but I really surprise myself sometimes at how good of a mom I really am. That may sound shallow and I may sound full of myself, but I take great pride in knowing that I am a good mom. I may dislike a lot about myself and how I look but honestly to me the only thing in life that matters to me is raising my son to be a respectful, polite, and well rounded gentleman and I am on the right path to achieving that.
Side Note; Both of my parents were in the Army so growing up they were very strict on my sisters and I on how we treat others, especially our elders. I was taught at a very young age to use my manners, shake hands when meeting people, and to say ma'am and sir when speaking to people. Growing up people were always shocked when I would shake their hands and call them ma'am and sir, and a lot of times they would say that I was too young to be calling them ma'am and sir. It's sad that many people do not practice these things anymore and it's even more sad when people are shocked when they are respected like that.
Jaiden is only two but we are already teaching him his manners, to shake hands when he meets people, and to call them ma'am and sir. My son will be raised to be polite and respectful to others even if it is dying down and not many kids to it anymore. I may be young but that will not stop me from raising an amazing son, and any future children that Kitt and I have. Anyways, back to grocery shopping..Why was this day such an amazing day for me? Because I believe I have finally showed to the world that I am not just a teen mom, I'm not a bad mom, and most importantly I am not just another statistic. I have reached and accomplished a major goal that I set for myself and I am proud! I am proud to be young, I am proud to be a mom, I am proud to be married to my sons father, but I'm even more proud to be able to prove to everyone who ever doubted me that I am raising one hell of a child who is nothing short of amazing. Anyone who told me to get an abortion, I was ruining my life, I would be a bad mom, my child would resent me because I can't give him what he needs, I would just be another girl who gives young moms a bad name, PLEASE take a look at me now. I am PROUD I didn't get an abortion, I am PROUD of my life, I am PROUD that I am a good mom, I am PROUD that Jaiden loves me more than anyone will ever know, and I am PROUD that I am one of the few young moms that do not contribute to giving teen moms a bad reputation.
To everyone out there, don't be afraid to voice what you are proud of or what you like about yourself. Don't be afraid to look into a mirror and think "I am gorgeous" or to look at yourself and think "I am a good person". You should love who you are and you deserve be able to show everyone that and not have to worry about what others think. Don't be afraid to tell someone that you are proud of them or that they are beautiful, you never know what that could do for someone! To everyone reading this, regardless of who you are, you CAN accomplish whatever goals and dreams you have for yourself all you have to do is BELIEVE in yourself! No dream or goal is ever to big! YOU CAN DO IT! Whether you have accomplished a goal or haven't yet but have set one for yourself, I am PROUD of YOU! Being able to say you have a goal is better than not having one at all. I hope this has helped you out in some way. Please let me know in the comments below something about yourself that you are proud of, something about yourself that you like, or a goal that you have set for yourself or all three! Also, please leave any feedback that you may have! Thank you for reading this and remember, you are beautiful inside and out and you can accomplish whatever you set your mind to!
Quote of the day; Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside of you that is greater than any obstacle. -Christian D. Larson

Goodnight loves.

I know I said I wasn't going to post a blog post tonight, but when I was putting Jaiden to bed this was too cute to not capture. Every night when I put Jaiden to bed we have a routine that goes a little bit like this; I say "goodnight baby, sleep good okay?" he says "okay" then I say "and have good dreams?" and he says "okay" then we say good night and I love you. After we do our routine good nights, the past few nights I've been saying I love you sooooo much, and he has been responding with this. It is seriously the cutest thing ever and makes my heart fill with such happiness and joy.

It is black because we were cuddling in bed and all of the lights were off :) If you can't understand what he's saying, he's saying "I love you so much so much so much so much" over and over. I hope you enjoy this little blurb into mine and Jaiden's relationship, it's truly something special.

How do I deal with my body image issues?

It's a simple answer, I don't. More than 90% of women in America are unhappy with the way they look, and I am a part of that 90%. My whole life I have struggled with the way I look and have always seen  myself as not good enough. I have tried to start this post about 6 times now and I can't get past the first sentence without crying, so please bare with me through this as it's really difficult for me to talk about.
Before I got pregnant with Jaiden I was extremely skinny. I was 105 lbs, had nice curves, perky boobs, flat stomach, and no cellulite or stretch marks. I had the body that most women dreamed of having and even though I knew that, I still was not happy. I could look in a mirror and point out a million things I didn't like about my body. Now with that being said, I also knew I was good looking and I was very full of myself. Whenever someone would compliment me on my body or the way I looked, a lot of the time I would reply with "I know, thanks". From being bullied so often I grew a very thick skin and even though deep down I was unhappy about my body, I would act like I knew I was the hottest thing that ever walked the earth. When I gave birth to Jaiden I weighed 186 lbs, yes I gained 80 lbs with him. It has been almost 3 years since then and I have only been able to lose 40 out of the 80 I gained. I have tried so many times to workout and eat healthier but I get so discouraged when I don't see the results that I want, so I stop. Now when I look into a mirror I see a fat stomach, stretch marks, saggy boobs, fat thighs full of cellulite, love handles, and a fat ass. My body is not the same one that I had years ago, and some days I can't even look into a mirror because I cannot stand the way I look. To go from being so skinny and having an amazing body, to being over weight and not comfortable in your own skin is an extreme change. Not being able to look into a mirror without wanting to cry because I am so uncomfortable with who I am is an awful feeling, one that is worse than any bullying I have ever experienced. If I don't like who I am and don't find myself attractive, how is my husband supposed to? How is he supposed to love me when I cant even love myself? Most days when I get out of the shower and look in the mirror, I have to look away because I'm afraid I'll cry. For the past year I have tried to build my self confidence and be okay with who I am, but it's honestly one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. I will have days where I feel like I am on top of the world and my self confidence is really high, but then I will have other days where I will sit in pjs all day because I'm afraid to put on clothes. I know I am not largest girl in the world and a lot of you will probably read this and think I am pathetic, and I'm not trying to sit here and have a pity party for myself but the way a lot of us see ourselves is a real problem. To look at the statistics and see that 90% of women are unhappy with themselves is so sad, and to know that a lot of them probably have an eating disorder or are self harming is even sadder. I hope that one day I will be able to tell other woman that are struggling with their body image that it gets better. I have came a long way as far as how I see myself, but I still have a long journey ahead of me until I am confident in myself. It's a work in progress, and a daily struggle but I hope that someday I will be able to look into a mirror and say "I am beautiful, flaws and all".
To all of you that are struggling with the same issue, YOU are BEAUTIFUL! Whether you are a size 0 or a size 40, you are amazing and to someone out there you are the sexiest person ever! If you are unhappy with the way you look and want to be more confident you don't need to starve yourself, make yourself puke after every meal, or cause yourself physical pain, all you need to do is start believing in yourself. Whoever you are reading this and if you are having a hard time, I believe in you and think you are gorgeous and I know that with time, you can believe it too! I know this post was a bit different than my last couple but nonetheless I hope you enjoyed it and got to know me a bit more. If you enjoyed it please leave a comment with your feedback and what you would like to see me talk about next! And please know that I did not write this to get attention, I wrote it because it is the truth and I want to help others that are in the same situation know that they are not alone. I hope you all have an amazing day and please remember, you are beautiful no matter what anyone says.
Quote of the day; There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty. -Steve Maraboli